Buffalo Wings

The Cast of Characters: Chicken wing "drummettes", canola oil, Frank’s Red Hot, Tabasco, and butter.

Into a deep skillet or Dutch oven…

Pour a good quantity of canola oil.

I use about an inch to and inch-and-a-half. Begin heating the oil over medium high to high heat.

When the oil is very hot (around 360 if you use a thermometer, which I don’t), place the raw wings into the skillet.

A chicken wing "drummette" is the part of the chicken wing that resembles a tiny drumstick. I usually use these, but they also sell bags of "wing sections", which include these drummettes and the other part of the wing. Those are fine to use, too. Whatever form of wings you use, just make sure they’re separated from each other (not the whole chicken wing.)

Move them around with tongs as soon as you throw them in there or they might stick to the bottom of the skillet and then you’ll weep and wail and gnash your teeth until the end of time. Or at least until the end of the football game.

Now, while the chicken is cooking it’s time to make the sauce.

See this stuff? DO NOT USE IT. Just look at the name of the product: "Wing Sauce." Noooooooooo! Run away, people—run away! We’re grown ups, and we’re going to make our own sauce.

First, unwrap 2 sticks of butter…

And begin melting in a medium-sized saucepan.

Now find your bottle of Frank’s Red Hot. This used to be called Durkee’s Red Hot before Frank kicked Durkee out of their 2-acre spread in Louisiana, the poor guy. Now Frank’s living large in the mansion while Durkee putters around town, doing odd jobs here and there. It’s really an American sob story.

This product is also sold in generic form under the name "Louisiana Hot Sauce" or "Cayenne Pepper Sauce," usually in twelve ounce bottles. Note: this is not the same as Tabasco.

Begin pouring a 12-ounce bottle of Red Hot into the butter…

Until it’s all gone.

With a fork, give it a good stir to combine. I just love stirring action shots like this one. I’ll call this one "Dante’s Buttery Inferno."

I like to name my stirring action shots.

Let’s check on the chicken:

It’s been going about thirteen minutes, and clearly needs some more time. See, it’s starting to turn golden but it’s still a little pale. We want the chicken to be golden and crisp.

Back to the sauce. Once you have it nice and combined…

It’s time to amp things up a little bit.

Give it however many shakes you think you can handle. I did about twelve myself. Okay, okay, thirteen…but I was feeling particularly naughty.

Now since you HAVE to serve wings with carrots and celery to balance out the tangy-spiciness of the wings, let’s make some ranch dressing to go with them. And okay, people. I have been known to make my own homemade ranch dressing using chives, garlic, parsley, and all sorts of other delightfully fresh ingredients, yada yada yada…but for wings? Ever heard that verse in the bible that says, "Do not throw your pearls before swine?" Wings need nothing more than Hidden Valley Ranch. And here’s my spin on things:

Instead of following packet instructions, I use only 1/2 cup milk…

And 1 packet of Hidden Valley Ranch salad dressing mix….

Which I dump into the milk.

Give it a good stir to combine.

To a bowl, add 1 cup mayonnaise…(NOT Miracle Whip and NOT fat-free mayo, for goodness sake.

And 1/2 cup sour cream.

Now add the milk/ranch combination…

And stir well to combine. And voila! You have the perfect ranch dressing/dip to go with your wings.

Now, though Marlboro Man prefers ranch dressing (Hello?! He’s a RANCHer!), I like to go the more traditional route and have blue cheese dressing with mine. To avoid starting from scratch, though, and making a whole batch of blue cheese, here’s a shortcut I take:

Spoon some of the ranch into a separate bowl.

Now take some crumbled blue cheese…

And dump some into the dressing.

Stir it together…

And look! Quick and easy blue cheese dressing.

The chicken is ready now. It’s been frying about 24 minutes.

With clean tongs, begin removing chicken from oil…

And place on a paper towel to drain.

Now, in batches, begin placing cooked wings into the sauce.

Stir around…

Until thoroughly coated.

And place in serving bowl.

Repeat…

Until all the chicken is coated.

I serve the wings on a tray with carrots, celery, ranch (or blue cheese) dip, and an empty bowl for the bones.

And plenty of napkins. Next to ribs, this is the messiest finger food on the planet.

See this? This is what keeps our marriage going.

Yep, if the respect, good communication, and friendship ever go away, it’s nice to know we’ll always have wings to pull us through.

Wings. Their power can not be overestimated.